I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
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3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids