A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp