My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
You Might Also Like
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.