Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
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Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know