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*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor