Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
You Might Also Like
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.