Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
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5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Are you ok, human???
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Breaking news:
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.