I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
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Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
who wants to go expliring
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN