How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
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Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.