me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
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I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.