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Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station