The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
You Might Also Like
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Hello Twits.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*