Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run