I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
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“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job