What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
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The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks