Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
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The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.