I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
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Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Okay
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Finally a use for spoilers…
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now