trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
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Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’