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Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Happy Caturday!
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”