[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
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[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Siri, fight Alexa.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Passwords are more important than ever.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.