them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
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[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us