(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
You Might Also Like
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*