detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
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At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Who’s ready for Friday?!
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.