Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
You Might Also Like
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.