ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
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🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.