if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
You Might Also Like
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach