Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
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My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar