I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
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My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.