Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
This is true.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge