Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
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Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.