In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
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Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.