the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.