I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
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Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.