I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
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IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.