Seals are just dog mermaids.
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Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Me trying to reach for my goals
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh