i would wish you the best but i am the best
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Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
#DesignFail
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!