Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
c’mon!
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr