I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
You Might Also Like
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.