Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
You Might Also Like
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE