You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
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I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.