“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
You Might Also Like
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving