priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
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me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Netflix and you sit over there.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.