Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
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Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I don’t hate children, just yours.