A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
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Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.