My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
You Might Also Like
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]