[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”