Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
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Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
He just like my cat fr
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind