“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
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I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore