Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
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Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.