It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
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Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
[eulogy]
line?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*